Proof, if indeed any more was required, that the world’s appetite for bludgeoningly fast SuperSUVs shows no signs of getting into the sea resides along the vast, angular flanks of both the new X5 M and X6 M Competition cars. They are big, they are fast, and they are here.

So, the new BMW X5 M and X6 M Competition. Yes, Competition. The UK will only get the range-topping versions of these hilariously over-endowed SUV things, which means a high-revving, twin-turbocharged 4.4-litre V8 tuned to deliver 620bhp and 750nm of torque. As we’ve said time and again, BMW has always delivered a lovely engine, and this will likely be one of them.

Said engine is matched to an eight-speed automatic gearbox and all-wheel-drive, complete with an active M diff because why the hell not? And anyway, who’s brave enough to tell you otherwise? 0-100kph in the Competition cars is seen off in 3.9s for the X5 M, and 3.8s for the X6 M. 0-200kph takes 13.4s for the X5 M, and 13.2s for the X6 M. SUV dragsters. Both are limited to 249kph, but buyers will no doubt unlock the M Driver’s Pack and its 290kph (still limited) top speed.

Seeing as engines are nice to talk about and detract from everything else, let us continue. BMW promises a “linear wave of thrust into the upper echelons of the rev range under full throttle”. We love a good linear wave. It’s also mounted ‘firmly’ to the structure of the car, allowing for sharper turn-in and less engine vibration into the cabin. Says BMW.

OK, so it’s pointy, too. Both cooling and oil systems have been designed “for track use”, and the all-wheel-drive system and M diff have been tuned for max traction and agility whenever the mood strikes. Also, it’ll drift. BMW says the all-wheel-drive setup is rear-biased, and thus, delivering “controlled drifts” is possible.

Naturally, both these M cars get bespoke suspension tuning. Things like: stiffer mountings, extreme camber, M-specific braces up front, bespoke elastokinematics, a rear strut, and of course, adaptive dampers and roll stabilisation. Those dampers cycle through Comfort, Sport and Sport Plus. There’s an M Mode too, that allows you to configure the head-up display, and cycle through Road, Sport and Track modes and driver assistance systems.

There are bigger M brakes – 395mm diameter discs up and six-piston calipers up front, 380mm discs/single piston calipers at the back – and the ability to select either Comfort or Sport for the braking, too. Yup, braking is now adaptive, thanks to an electric actuator that allows the brake pressure to be modified. That’s actually pretty cool.

We’ll leave the looks because… you have eyes, and you have Opinions. Suffice to say, neither is likely to be missed, nor confused for anything other than a big BMW M SUV. The Competition cars, FWIW, get black accoutrements, while all models get bigger air intakes, gills, twin exhausts, flared arches, spoilers and big wheels (21s up front, 22s on the back).

Leather, buttons and illuminated sill plates adorn the insides of both cars, along with a dash of Alcantara. Electrically adjustable seats, wireless charging, panoramic sunroof, big stereo… it’s all Premium Big Dog BMW in here. You know the drill.

Prices start at £110,610 (approx. RM570,000) for the X5 M Competition, and £113,310 (approx. RM584,000) for the X6 M Competition, and will be available from April 2020.