Fail of the century #6: Alfa Romeo Spider

Just look at it. Feast your hungry eyes upon its crisp, classical lines. The bejewelled headlights, the snub nose, the just-so proportions. And now imagine just how flaccidly the Alfa Spider must have driven to achieve the status of bona fide #fail. Imagining it? Not quite you’re not. Bit more, bit more, scooch to the left... there you go. Rubbish, it was.

Call it an achievement of sorts: delivering a driving experience shonky enough to outweigh those considerable aesthetic charms. But the Spider managed it. Its chassis offered the structural rigidity of warm hummus, and more scuttle than a rat marathon. One can only assume Alfa spent the Spider’s entire development period lovingly finessing its bodywork, and got to the day before launch before someone quietly murmured, “Um, guys. Shouldn’t we have thought about actually engineering it?”

It wasn’t only the way it drove. Top Gear vividly recalls dropping the top on an early Spider, only for the roof to rip the plastic surround from the driver’s roll hoop, before digesting the plastic casing in its own folding mechanism. The crunch haunts us to this day.

At least that was exciting. When not engaged in acts of auto-cannibalism, the Spider was simply as soggy to drive as it was sultry to behold. If someone on your street bought one, you’d have been delighted. So long as that someone wasn’t you.